Jerusalem Post

ByYIFAT SANI, A CERTIFIED PARENT COACH

Many parents bring their children to various assessments. But what do you do when the results arrive? Should children be involved and told the whole truth? A parenting instructor explains.

Quite a few parents find themselves dealing with various assessments during the turbulent school years — from attention deficit and hyperactivity disorders, through learning disability assessments, to communication difficulties.
There is broad public discourse today about these assessments and their benefits, but I will not go into that here, because I believe that any parent who takes their child for an assessment does so because they feel their child has a difficulty or need that is not being addressed, and that the desire to ease the child’s situation comes from a good and correct place.

Another issue related to these assessments often comes up for discussion — what to do with the results? Should you talk about them with the children or carry on as usual? Will the child feel better when there is an official “stamp” on their problem, or could this make things harder for them and label them going forward?

Even the need to ask these questions is wonderful and expresses a genuine desire on the part of parents to help their children. It is always good to think twice about our actions and about what our children can learn from them, in every area.
So if you are grappling with this dilemma — well done. You are truly seeing your children, and that is exactly what they need from you (it is what every child needs).

Would you want to know?
To answer the question of whether to tell children about their assessments or keep it to yourselves, I recommend asking yourselves one question — would you want to know?
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I assume that in most cases the answer will be — yes, and rightly so. If we or our children are carrying some kind of difficulty on our backs, an official assessment that explains the issue can be very relieving and normalizing. It can reduce some of the guilt and the feeling of failure.
A child with attention deficit disorder or a learning disability, for example, who tries with all their might at school and does not succeed, may feel that they are failing, that they are lazy or untalented. They may also experience anger and disappointment from their environment. Such a child, who understands that the problem is not within them, but that their brain works a little differently from others — can feel great relief simply from knowing. It is a heavy weight lifted off their back.

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Many parents worry that the assessment will become an “excuse” for the child to give up on themselves, but the truth is the opposite: A child who understands that they have an objective difficulty does not use it as an excuse, but as an explanation that finally allows them to find real solutions.
So the question is not whether to tell, but how to do it correctly.
How do you tell them?
An assessment is a professional document written for adults: Educators, therapists, parents. The child themselves is not expected to understand the language, the terms, or the conclusions as they appear in the report. What is required of them is to understand what it means for them, for their experiences, and for what is going to change in their daily life.
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At a young age, there is no need to go into professional terms or medical definitions. You can explain simply: “We noticed that some things are a bit harder for you at school, and we wanted to understand how to help you,” or: “We discovered that your brain works in a special way, and there are things you do excellently, and things that require more effort from you.”
With older children and adolescents, it is already possible to use more precise words, but still maintain an open, human, and non-dramatic conversation. You can say, for example: “The assessment shows that you have amazing abilities in thinking, but that your memory works a bit differently, and that explains why it’s hard for you to get organized in the morning. It’s not a matter of character, and it’s something that can be learned to manage.”
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In this way, the assessment does not become a headline that defines them, but information that helps them understand why certain things feel different to them.
It is also important to make room for emotions. Not to rush to erase the difficulty of receiving the assessment or to explain why it is דווקא good. Sometimes the child needs a moment to be angry, to ask questions, or even to say that they don’t want to talk about it right now. Every such reaction is legitimate.
Another important point is pace. For most children, understanding an assessment does not happen in a single moment. Questions, resistance, or confusion can arise some time after the initial conversation. Therefore, there is no point in looking for one good conversation, but rather in keeping the topic open, accessible, something that can be returned to and talked about, without drama and without a sense of threat.
When do you tell them?
Here too there is no single answer that is right for all children, but there is one clear guiding principle: Do not wait for the child to figure it out on their own.
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Children experience the results of the assessment in reality — through academic support, accommodations, conversations with teachers, or a change in the attitude of the adults around them. When they do not receive an explanation, they tend to interpret the situation through personal guilt or a sense of failure.
Our children are very smart and notice everything, and when we try to hide things and tiptoe around them, they may feel that there is some “dark secret” they do not know and fill in the gaps with their developed imagination. Therefore, honesty and transparency, in an age-appropriate way, is always the right path.
It is advisable to share with the child after the parents themselves have processed the findings, understood the implications, and can talk about them in a balanced way. If the conclusions of the assessment are difficult for you, it is worth consulting a professional before sharing them with the child.
Sharing too early, when the parent is still overwhelmed, may burden the child with anxiety or lack of clarity. On the other hand, prolonged postponement of the conversation may create a feeling that something is “hidden” or too problematic to talk about.
Don’t forget that every difficulty also has advantages
An assessment, any assessment, indicates a certain kind of difference — but that difference is not only the sum of the difficulties it brings with it. It is also many other wonderful things: Creative thinking, a developed imagination, perseverance, problem-solving ability, and more. Try to reflect this to your children as well.
And if your child finds school difficult, remember that this is not everything. They can experience success in other things — drawing, dancing, soccer, or cooking. Our goal is to find a place where our child succeeds in persevering and enjoying themselves, experiences success, and there to encourage them for their strengths and abilities.
In the end, it is not this assessment or another that will determine our children’s self-worth and level of confidence, but the way we look at them, believe in them, and encourage them. Our good words and our ability to see their strengths in the present will become the inner voice that will accompany them as adults. And that no longer depends on any assessment.
Yifat Sani is a certified parent coach at the Adler Institute. Specializes in early childhood and adolescence.