Jerusalem Post

ByYIFAT SANI, A CERTIFIED PARENT COACH

We tell ourselves that we are just concerned about their health, that we want life to be easy for them, but in reality—we project our own childhood wounds onto our children. Let’s break this cycle.

One of the issues that most worries parents who come to my clinic—and, honestly, most of my friends—is their children’s weight. In most cases, it’s uncomfortable to admit, so people tiptoe around it, but the truth is that the topic of weight strongly triggers parents.
Sometimes it happens after a child gains a little weight, sometimes after a reaction from a doctor or teacher, if a girl complains about her stomach, and sometimes just when a child enjoys eating or is very focused on food.
There is something about weight that strongly affects parents, and it’s understandable. First of all, we all grew up this way; we were raised to be obsessed with body image and taught that anyone whose body is not slim and toned is doing something wrong.

It’s also connected to our anxieties about our children’s social future. We really want life to be easy for them, and most of us believe that being a chubby child, teenager, or teen is simply harder. But is that really true? Let’s unpack this.

Questions Every Parent Should Ask Themselves
Before you talk to your children about their weight, pause and think: Do you really want your children to think about their bodies in the same way you do? To believe that every weight gain is a mistake? That every sweet treat is a “sin”? That there is one correct body model that everyone must meet?
Yes, that’s how we were raised, but we have the power to break this cycle.

And regarding the social issue that concerns nearly every parent: Is a slim child with low self-esteem happier than a chubby child with confidence? Certainly not.
Weight is one parameter in life, like height, skin color, or hair type, but it does not determine our self-worth. Self-confidence, especially in young ages, comes from parents who see the beauty in their children and encourage them for important traits (kindness, diligence, generosity, consideration), not for something external like weight.

I am not a dietitian, and you won’t find children’s nutrition advice here (and if that worries you, I highly recommend consulting a children’s dietitian), but I am certain that good family relationships and a strong sense of self-worth will help your children in life far more than a slim body.
Here Are Some Things That Work
Change the Way You Think About Weight
The more we focus on weight, the more our children will focus on weight. It’s that simple. So, for your children’s sake, do some inner work. Let go of the weight issue. I think this is mostly directed at women (but certainly not only), because we were raised to be obsessed with this issue, and many women stand in front of the mirror unhappy or make small comments like “Ugh, how much I ate” or “What a cow I am.” Many mothers talk this way with friends or partners, not realizing that children listen and internalize it.
Therefore, the first thing we can do is work on ourselves regarding this topic. And it’s super hard. Sometimes it requires therapy. Sometimes it requires deep exploration. There are many podcasts and content on positive body image that can help you, and therefore change the language you use when speaking to yourself. In my opinion, this is part of our responsibility as parents.
Keep Children Out of the Plate
Let’s remember our responsibility. We do not have, and should not have, control over what our child eats. What the child puts in their mouth is one of the things mostly under their control, whether at age 3 or 13. I cannot tell my child what to eat. But I can—and the only thing we control as parents—is choose what is in the house.
If it bothers me that the child eats too many snacks, I need to make sure there are fewer snacks at home. If it bothers me that the child does not eat enough vegetables or healthy food, my responsibility is to serve healthy food at the table. What they choose to eat from what’s on the table is entirely theirs and their full right.
It’s important to remember this because we cannot have a house full of junk or be overly obsessed with food, and then expect the child to pick the cucumber out of all that junk. And it’s certainly not advisable that what is allowed for one family member (parent or sibling) is forbidden for another. The damage to self-worth in such a case would be far more destructive than an empty carbohydrate.
Stop Commenting on Weight
Do not comment on a child’s weight. In general, it is better to praise children for things that are not about their appearance. Even if they are beautiful. But absolutely, do not comment on a child’s weight. Not “what a cute belly you have” and not “if you keep eating like that, you’ll become fat.” Just don’t.
You can offer the child a fun activity that moves the body if you are concerned about health, you can invite them to join you for evening walks, and of course, ensure healthy food is at home. But we must not harm their self-confidence.
Weight is something that can be addressed at any stage of life, and excess weight is something that can even be lived with peacefully. Not everyone in the world has to be slim. The only thing that is impossible, or very hard, to work on later is self-confidence.
We want our children to go out into the world feeling wonderful as they are. If someone goes through life feeling wonderful as they are, even if they choose to diet one day, it will be much easier. But if we give our children the sense that they are not okay, disappointing us, not meeting the standard—it will be hard to fix.